Rounding the circle

I am at a place in my life where things seem to be making sense or should I say "hopeful."

Life is full of the unexpected. I am really looking forward to the end of the circle.

I have been reflecting back through the hurdles and trials of this life in the making. I think 2007 was the year that changed the game for me. For once, I was not in control of the life that I wanted. From relocating to a new place, new life and new strategy I felt lost. I was confused, angry and frustrated but now it all makes sense because I had to be thrown off course in order to get here.

I have matured a little bit, I am now thinking of the kind of life that I want for myself. The kind of person that I want to be and the kind of things that I want to do. Life in a way does not bother me as much as it used to. I don't feel pressured to fit into that role as I used to be. Now, life seems to be in-tune with my inner self. I feel I am getting grip of what it is all about. I think.

I am not there yet. I am far from reaching the end of my goal or capturing the life in motion. I think it is a one-step-at-a-time thing, but at least I am aware of that.

Life is really life...just in the making

LADY MAE---STARIGHT FROM THE HEART

Another classic of mine about sexual abuse of children. I think I wrote this piece when a prostitute was on trial for killing someone or so....can't remr the exact case because it has been years....could be in 2000...gosh whatever happened to me? I can't even express myself any more....oh well...enjoy

LADY MAE---STARIGHT FROM THE HEART

If I had a choice to the blue print of my life, I would not have gone this route. If I could rewrite my path, the streets would have been boulevards instead of one-way streets with no detours.
If I had a wish, I would have wished not to be an orphan at a tender age, so that my selfish relatives would use me as an extra paycheck from Uncle Sam.

I was lonely growing up. My time was filled with darkness, which I embraced as haven. In darkness, I was possessed, I had powers, I could be whatever I wanted. I was Snow White raised from the dead with a kiss by the cute prince, or Alice in wonderland but instead of chasing after the rabbits, rumbled in the garden with the dirty dog licking my dirty face. Yes, I had powers but I lost it, good things do not last forever on one-way streets.

I lost my powers thanks to my Uncle T. I lost my fantasy Island, the only thing that kept me from insanity. Uncle T dethroned me when he came to leave with us. Before him, my life was like a government with no time limit. Since my lovely uncle and aunts did not care about me, I was in my own world. Nevertheless, like every other empire there was always external force invading, taking over and then destruction. At first, I was happy to have company because darkness can be boring sometimes, but Uncle T had other plans for the dethroned queen.

At 10 years old I knew nothing about sex apart from what I learnt in school and from my Island, I never watched television because I envied the kids on Sesame Street. But when Uncle T volunteered to tutor me, things changed and funny thing was that I felt it was great that he would find the time to tutor me. Each time I did well, Uncle T would pat me on my back, and I liked it because that kind of affection was new to me, so I tried to score good just to get a pat on the back.

Uncle T started hugging me because he said I was too smart, so I tried to be smarter, and that got me a peck. Then I tried to out do it by becoming a genius and that got me some touching and pinching. At first, I was confused but I thought maybe genius deserves it until one day at school, my teacher called me a genius without touching me and I started crying. To her amazement, I accused her of not touching me and that was how she knew I had issues. Of course, my precious aunt and uncle had a lot on their little mind to stop Uncle T. So Uncle T never stopped treating me like a genius.

I did not deserve it. I do not think anybody deserves it especially not a child and not on their damn birthday, but that was Uncle T’s birthday present for me. Uncle T violated me on my birthday, and he called it a special present. My special birthday present changed my life.
It changed me, my soul died, my whole world died too. The child in me ran away to hide and I was stuck with a dead body, felt like an abandoned ship in the middle of the ocean with nothing to cover up. From that day, I became vulnerable, Uncle T committed murder and got away scout free.

I lost my Uncle the guardian in my junior high, and before I graduated from high school my aunt joined the husband. I had nowhere to go and you would have thought Uncle T would tag me along with him, but he said he couldn’t afford the mortgage and an extra mouth. I guess I wasn’t that genius anymore.

I went through extended relations and foster homes like underwear, most of them couldn’t afford me, and some thought I was too sexually active to keep in the house with their husbands, so I became homeless.
I met Pita at the grocery store, and we became buddies. I moved in with him, at first, he was a savior until he got the idea of using me for money. The Start-up" was difficult for me, so Pita added some spices into it and got me hooked on drugs and from there, there was no way out for me anymore.

Hold up! I do not need your pity or your judgment because you have no idea what or where I have been through. I have been through the camps of hell and back and still eat with the enemy.
I feel hurt, betrayed because nobody was there for me. I blame my parents for abandoning me on this earth and taking the easy way out by dying, I blame my little minded aunt and uncle for stealing from me the love they had more than abundance to offer. I feel like killing Uncle T for murdering my soul and still free doing what he does best. I blame the society for not doing anything, I blame my innocence for being a coward and hiding from the pain and suffering, I blame me for not being able to step up to Uncle T and now the society that is trying to judge me
What did you expect? That I will turn out to be a hero, a saint, a role model?

This is who I am! Straight from my heart. I am not hiding me anymore; if you have been in my shoes, maybe we could reason together. But of course not, you ain't got a clue. Stop pointing fingers at me, stop labeling me, I am already dead, all I ask for is a tombstone with my name on it, encrypted “LADY MAE----BEING THERE, at least I deserve that don’t you think?
This is my story, life is what it hands to you, and I got mine, what about you; straight from within. PEACE

Came across this while trying to clean up my flash-drive....this particular post is about 5-6 yrs old...but still makes sense...I think:)...Enjoy~~~

Approaching 30

Few weeks before my birthday, I was excited; why I didn’t know, but when the birthday came, I was sad, depressed, and full of tears, also little bit content.
Amid the anticipation of feeling special because your loved ones will call you to wish you happy birthday and some reasonable ones will send you at least a card makes up for all the tiny fears of getting older, but it is never ok to be a year older.

For a single woman with no man in her life, the fear of approaching 30 almost adds extra wrinkles and additional headaches from adding and subtracting how many times you missed your luck and how long before you officially declare yourself a spinster. The old dreams of growing up with your kids start diminishing and you are thinking, I better be getting a man before I clock 35. Also you are fast-forwarding to the future, imaging how you will look in 50yrs and if you will have a teenager by then or you will still be nursing.

Then you reflect back on your past years, your 1st love, if you had any, in my case none. Your friends old and new, those that got married and joined the new club; you life in general, how you lived it, your mistakes that turned to experiences, your little achievements which helped in defining who you are presently, and those moments you wouldn’t give back for anything.

Sadness starts creeping in because figuratively your whole life you’ve been chasing shadows. Starting from when you were a kid you thought keeping your self-clean and classy plus a little bit of education you will be all right. Then who gets enough education, from 1st grade the more you learn, the more you realize how dumb and void your brain is; worst of all is the standard of living you have set for yourself. You need to move up the ladder in order to be at least considered second class, then to blast it all of, our society is a skilled based society not knowledge based (Da real world).

Job corp doesn’t want to know what your GPA is or your degree or which school you attended, but your experience. That is when you start to consider option B, master degree then doctorate start your own businesses; bottom line -it is all illusions. It is all in your head, the society has brain washed us to think we are nothing without sweating for it.

My depression clicks in when I think of my lost. The good friends I have lost due to miscommunication, jealousy or something stupid. The-would have been Mr. Right if may be I danced a little bit to their tune. I am not a bad person I have heard people describe me as bossy, friendly, nice, kind, role model, arrogant, selfish, reliable, bitch, stupid, and all kinds of adjectives but why haven’t I found someone to love all those qualities in me. Am not ugly, at least I have a beautiful smile, not skinny but full figured so why am I still unattached.

One of my friends say that I have this unapproachable look, this stone faced look that keep people away, one even said I talk too much and gets carried away, another said am too nice and friendly so I end up becoming their shrink instead of girlfriend, some said I am too intelligent and that keeps guys away, too classy, picky, and choosy.
It is really depressing because I can’t change all that, it is what made me what I am today, those positive and negative characteristics are what I am proud of, and they are what I can connect with. It took me all these years, and birthdays to form those identity and I can’t change it overnight because I want to find somebody, that is like another recreation.

Yes, am scared, depressed, angry, sad, anxiety and hormone raging, I deserve better, I know that there is somebody out there that is looking for all that I am, but am being pressured to pursue it before time. Damn right I deserve to be loved, I want support, I want love songs to be written about me, flowers, want someone to finish my sentence, want someone to be able to read me and understand me, to see all that I have to offer, the kindness and love that I have to give, but guess we haven’t found each other yet.

For the past years I shed tears of frustration on my birthdays, tears of suppressed desires and emotions, fading dreams and fantasies; the belief that if I comport myself and be a good girl, my reward will be a knight in shinning Armour. The tears will not stop, they will flow until am filled and am going to let it flow.

My delight is that am a fighter, I am never going to give up; I will get all that I deserve, time may be against me, but I will create my own time. I will be somebody that I have dreamt, get all the education that I want to improve my standard of living. Am going to hold on to my dreams no matter how faint they may appear, instead will dream up new ones. I will be a girlfriend, fiancée, wife and mother and damn right will be good at it. He will find me, funny thing is that he is just as am confused right now, I have always approached life as a circle, one day we both will meet in the center and then all will be reality.

Age is nothing but a number if I will stop counting, I am proud of whom I have become at this stage of my life. I can’t even count all my blessings, I am a sister, a friend, a daughter, a grand-daughter, a listener, smart and very intelligent girl, a role model, most of all a Christian. I know it is hard for me to take in all with age, but I am proud of the knowledge that comes with it; now things have become clearer, less confusing, and also less complicating. I am begging to appreciate life for what it is worth and also grateful for each new day I wake up and am still alive because with each breath I take is hope for a better days coming.

It feels good to be a year older, one day am going to flashback and laugh about it. I will be able to tell my kids and grand kids how I struggled with my inner self. I don’t think I want to tread my life for another, deep inside I am secured to be insecure. Not only am I depressed but also it is a sign for a change in life. I am sad because I know I have to set limits and goals, tears are flooding because I am human and have feelings, I have joy in heart because I know I am a star.

I love me for me, I thank God for each past birthdays and next ones to come because I know as long as am alive, there is hope for my future.

HAPPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME